a ghost is haunting me and this is what i fear – the complete and total exorcism of myself, my spirit and the absolute and entire inorcism of my self, his spirit. for it is he that haunts me – the life in death, the one eternal. he wants me, desires my body as his residence. i am running from life.my body is in a state of rebellion in it’s movement toward carnality. my mind is in a state of rebellion in it’s espousal of lust. my soul has ever been in a state of rebellion against the God who is there. if this be so, what may recuperate my trichotomous nature; and further, what exactly am i rebelling against? since all of myself is in a state of rebellion, i must be rebelling against my self, the ghost that ever haunts me. christ has offered to me a path out of this darkness; in this i find my great joy and sorrow.

apathy – i do not care and yet i still feel. apathy – initiated by the mind, repulsive to the soul, and retained by the flesh. apathy – i feel it within me, clawing away at the lining of my existentiality. apathy – that monster. apathy – the soul killer. apathy – i do not care what happens to me. i still am able to feel very deeply, to the point of immotion - but i do not care. love is the pathway out of this facade of living. i must love, i can do naught else. i am brought to the point of love from the brink of death. this is not death of the flesh, or even of the mind, but more dangerously is death of the soul. i was given life through the agency of love – this is my great joy and sorrow.

an aweful moment for me is like something absolutely ascendent, something aspiratory in nature, like a very intense immotion, something very elemental in nature. it washes over like a flood of icy cold water which also fill the heart with extreme warmth. that which is aweful has ever been my great joy and sorrow.

‘all my love to my knight.’

does she know what that means? knight? that is an aweful thing to say to me. i have always desired to be her ‘knight’. to have and to hold, to cherish and to love. i am young though –according to my parents much too young to be this deep into a relationship. (do they even comprehend how deep?) a relationship – a very sobering thought. since i tread i must tread carefully. my sister! more than ever i now need your wisdom. her knight – i am scared, but of what i know not. a fear restrains me and holds me in check.

i must not fear. fear is the mind-killer. fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. i will face my fear. i will permit it to pass over me and through me. and when it has gone past i will turn the inner eye to see its path. where the fear has gone there will be nothing. only i will remain.                

–frank herbert

this is not what i espouse. fear is a balance against overwhelming brazenness. i do not fear this fear. i will let it indwell me and at the right moment i will banish it. but now is not yet right. now i must fear, now i may be only a poor facsimile of a knight. in all things pertaining to her i find that i place balances to counter-weigh what myself (that terrible specter!) most desires. in this is my great joy and sorrow.

vulnerability is part of being human – do not deny who you are but rather use what you have been given for the complete and supreme glory of God. what happens to the pot which has been formed and must be reformed? it is broken and remade into something beautiful. one must first be weak before one may be strong – this is my great joy and sorrow.

one must learn to be human before one may learn what it is to be truly human. that is, human under the status quo versus human under the original state of affairs. one may not skip any steps in the journey backward. the path back leads not downward but upward. we, as being human, have fallen from grace and are but a representation of what mankind was meant to be. man as man is not yet man – this is my great joy and sorrow.