the trials of knighthood

‘all my love to my knight.’

does she know what that means? knight? that is an aweful thing to say to me. i have always desired to be her ‘knight’. to have and to hold, to cherish and to love. i am young though –according to my parents much too young to be this deep into a relationship. (do they even comprehend how deep?) a relationship – a very sobering thought. since i tread i must tread carefully. my sister! more than ever i now need your wisdom. her knight – i am scared, but of what i know not. a fear restrains me and holds me in check.

i must not fear. fear is the mind-killer. fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. i will face my fear. i will permit it to pass over me and through me. and when it has gone past i will turn the inner eye to see its path. where the fear has gone there will be nothing. only i will remain.                

–frank herbert

this is not what i espouse. fear is a balance against overwhelming brazenness. i do not fear this fear. i will let it indwell me and at the right moment i will banish it. but now is not yet right. now i must fear, now i may be only a poor facsimile of a knight. in all things pertaining to her i find that i place balances to counter-weigh what myself (that terrible specter!) most desires. in this is my great joy and sorrow.