the echoes of a wandering mind

my house of cards has fallen down and whither have they gone? everything i hold dear can be destroyed by something i despise. sin is a dream-eater that has devoured many things i hold dear. i have sacrificed portions of my soul to the dark in return for an abyss of guilt. one card is left to me on which i must build again, the ace of hearts. why should it be this particular card? christ is first among all who affirm that they love. his love is supreme and different from other loves. he it is that has the love which may pierce through my grime and dirt to my very soul. previously, i had placed this ‘card’ last and had built the rest before it. i thought it would do well as a crowning jewel. however, christ must be the basis for everything, not the afterthought of everything. i must glorify him before i do anything else. on this foundation i must build my house, my temple, that the powers of hell prevail not against it.

there’s a God-shaped hole in all of us and well this is. i have found no complete satisfaction in anything or anyone. i yearn for something that can patch up this hole and yet have found nothing. i do not think that covering the hole, fixing it even, is the solution. i have come to the conclusion that the hole is not the problem but that trying to push it under is the real problem. not paying attention to the fact that one does in fact need God. he is the only one that is able to fill each and every one of us to the brim and even more. this hole we possess is not a deformity nor is it something to be ashamed of but it is an opportunity to give utmost glory to God in that he only is able to fill it.

il y a un vide formé par dieu au coeur de chaque homme.

i believe in pantheism though not particularly the pantheism one usually thinks of. i do not believe that god is everything nor does everything a container of God. rather, i believe that one is able to see God in everything. when i look into a mirror, i see myself but the mirror is not me neither does the mirror contain me. when i look into creation i see God but creation is not God neither is creation able to contain God. this brings up another point of possible contention. did God truly enter the world as a man? yes and no - did all of God come into this world? no; was he who came into this world all of God? indisputably yes. creation is not able to contain God but God is able to enter creation. a basin is not able to contain the ocean but the ocean is able to enter a basin; is that which is in the basin any less ocean than that which is outside the basin? no, and yet it has taken on a different form - ocean to be sure but also a basin of water nonetheless.

a further observation may be made in looking at the physical properties of light. waves of light may be refracted through a prism or reflected in a mirror. a refraction through a prism fundamentally changes the properties of the light spectrum. it splits it up into different attributes which are disjointed from each other and do not form a cohesive whole. reflection on the other hand preserves the properties of that which is reflected. it shows varying quantities of depth, but it does indeed allow the image to come through unaltered.

God is there and he is watching/the signs are everywhere/supernatural/God is there, there’s no denying/it’s supernatural/i see him everywhere/God is there, God is here, god is there/everywhere/my God is everywhere/God is there, God is here, God is there/God is there/supernatural/some things just cannot be explained

i am continually realizing how wrong i have been. i realize now how much my parents have told me is correct and true. i realize but can not yet fully comprehend how awefully and terribly right God is. he is on the move; he is real, he is involved, and he does not use perfect people. if this were the case, where would i be? lost in the sea of humanity and drowning in my sin. i have become fully convinced that there is in fact a God who is wholly occupied with my life and issues. he cares for me, my welfare, and for those who surround me. he has, more than any other thing or person, orchestrated my life to reflect his own image and has caused me to rely fully on him. i trust him as i find it impossible to trust any other. who is my god? this god, the god, the one alone, θεος, deus, YHWH, eru ilúvatar. God is my god and this fact demands fanatical prepossession. the cause of my god has become my wyrd. i have a fatalistic flame which drives me ever on toward his work and which fixes my gaze on his extreme worth.

‘what is man that thou are mindful of him, or the son of man that thou visitest him?’

‘why does death and suffering occur?’

‘is such an existence not allowed? life and joyfulness would be nothing without death and suffering. one thing defines it’s opposite, though i suppose this is more of a philosophical approach.’

‘it would seem that death and suffering are antithetical to your position of a just and loving God.’

‘just – we can begin with that. a just God allows not for life and joyfulness. i assume by your use of the phrase of “just and loving” that you mean God according to Christian persuasion. under the rules that he first imposed, life and joy ought not exist. death and suffering are perhaps not even allowed. (according to my personal philosophy, nihilitas meritus status totorum hominium est.) may i make a proposition – perhaps events such as plane crashes, car accidents, sudden deaths, and cancer are not necessarily greater in proportion to the goodness of everyday life. perhaps all of the bad karma (so to speak) of the cosmos is released in short time periods while the good karma is released over longer periods of time. why did september eleventh happen?’

‘according to some, because september tenth happened; though i suppose that you are looking for something deeper than that.’

‘what happened on september eleventh was a horrible event that ended many lives. however, no one really looks at the previous minutes, days, and years of life and joy that came before that time of death and suffering. one must look at the entire plane of existence rather than viewing simply a point on that plane. that death and suffering exist in contraposition to life and joyfulness i have ever counted among my great joy and sorrow.’

‘may i pose to you a mental conundrum?’

‘you know i am always open for philosophizing.’

‘is it perfectly acceptable to perform abortion on an animal?’

‘i like neither of the pathways i see before me. i do not condone such action though if i respond in negative fashion, you will ask if man is then no better than an animal. if i respond that the choice should alone be up to the parent animal, you will point out such absurdity. it is acceptable to perform such an abortion.’

‘so then by this admission you are allowing that an animal is an animal before it exits the womb. why then is a human not a human before it exits the womb. it is in a state of being (therefore a being) and i believe it is not classified outside of homo sapiens. it is therefore a human being. to kill a human being is against most (if not all) objective laws whether of God or man. such killing is willful homicide since it is by choice and is punishable by either an extensive prison sentence or by the death penalty. by your admission that animal abortions are acceptable i have come to the conclusion that the doctors, nurses, and mothers (perhaps with other family members and practitioners of medicine) of aborted human beings are to be punished by applicable laws.

what is a kiss? what exactly does a kiss entail, or mean, or what is behind it? to me, a particular kiss is more than simply good feelings or emotional ballistics in action. the way i had always envisioned physical affection of that sort was an active/passive relationship. that is, i had imagined kissing but never had i expected being kissed with like ardor and enthusiasm. through personal experience i have found affection, whether physical, emotional, mental, to far surpass that which i had ever considered possible. a kiss to me is the antithesis of my mental construct; and strangely that is fine with me.

armenius and calvin are two electrically-charged names both in christianity and philosophy. with two seemingly opposing viewpoints, these men have polarized major thought and debate for centuries. i make the assertion that free will and predestination are to some extent reconcilable. in my opinion, free will is how one acts and predestination is why one acts.

you see something in me that no one else does.

really? what is that?

shouldn’t you know that?

yeah, i suppose. i see . . . i see virtue from a pure heart; i see beauty that does not need to be most important; i see love that is very sacrificial; i see tenderness that is strong. i also see either a need or a want to be loved and cared for and to be protected.

i think it is both a need and a want.

‘i want to die.’

‘why?’

‘what is the prerequisite to death?’

‘life?’

. . .

‘that doesn’t make any sense.’

‘what is the prerequisite to death?’

‘life.’

‘so what do i have to do before i die?’

‘live.’

. . .

‘so life is the prerequisite to death and death is the prerequisite to life.’